Toxic behavior, we need to un-normalize

If you have listened to my podcast “Things I meant to say naked,” I had an episode called “Can we be toxic while healing?” It focuses on toxic behavior and its possible antidotes. Toxic behavior does not disappear immediately when we start healing; Instead, we need to make a conscious effort to change.

Suppose you find that interesting and are more of a visual learner rather than an auditory learner. Then this blog is for you.

While reading the list of toxic behavior, I want you to ask yourself: Am I Toxic? Am I the toxic one? Which is a tough and challenging question to ask because, in truth, none of us likes being the villain in other people's stories, but it is when we challenge ourselves through a critical and compassionate lens that we allow ourselves to grow beyond current patterns.

Gossiping, Bad mouthing, Criticism, and Chisme

Are we reading into conversations about others who are not present in the room? Are we sharing information that feels very personal? Something that you feel like you only share with those very few close friends?

Understand that gossip and talking behind others' backs chips away a person's trust; they can tell for the most part that you are talking about them. Criticism and judgment from friends/friend groups and acquaintances can reduce self-worth. These are the people you are meant to trust, and they are forming biased opinions of your intimate life publicly for social clout. That really hurts despite its normalization and cultural significance.

It should come as no surprise that Julie and John Gottman identified criticism as one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse that can end relationships.

The antidote:

Observe the topics you spend most of your time discussing with others. If you find yourself talking about others most of the time, it would be tough to stop all of a sudden. Start by highlighting positive characteristics about that person, and shift the conversation towards compassion and empathy by expressing a desire to understand that person's perspective and efforts.

Inconsistent Behavior, Flaking, and Unrealistic Expectations

Do my words and actions line up? Or do I sometimes disappear, flake, or ghost without explanation? That kind of unpredictability leaves people feeling anxious, like they never know which version of me they're going to get. On the flip side, do you set high expectations for yourself about what you should provide in a relationship? Do those around you have high expectations that make you feel like it will never be enough?

Lack of consistency can be emotionally exhausting for the people around us. Over time, they may lose the ability to rely on you as a friend, partner, or colleague. Think about it like this: if they can't handle coffee plans, what will make me feel sure that they can handle the hard times?

On the flip side, if you are setting high expectations for yourself and others about what a friend ought to do, you will ultimately fail under unsustainable circumstances—creating a feeling of guilt towards yourself and resentment towards others who can't match your attenuating energy.

The Antidote:

Set realistic and expectations. What do I need and expect from myself and others in which we both feel safe, seen, and present? And the most essential part is to express that to others. I find it hilarious when people set silent boundaries that people cross and expect them to know them without expressing themselves. Sorry to tell you, we are not mind readers.

Emotional withdrawal and Stonewalling.

Emotional withdrawal and stonewalling are similar but not the same. Emotional withdrawal is the subtle pulling away of affection to express displeasure or as a form of punishment. One day you're warm and affectionate, and the next moment you are distant and cold. Stonewalling, on the other hand, is the complete shutting down and refusal to communicate—silent treatment. Both leave the people around you in emotional limbo and leave people scrambling to figure out “what's wrong,” with absolutely no clue, and leave them with the feeling that affection is conditional on your mood, and they shouldn't set you off.

The antidote:

The Gottmans suggest that stonewalling occurs when we are overwhelmed with emotion. In my experience, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy has great interventions to help folks self-soothe and not react destructively when we are emotionally triggered.

So, how does this look in real life? Take notice when you're emotionally withdrawing from others and focus on coping. The most important part, so we don't leave those around us scrambling, is to let people know we are soothing so we can address what's bothering us in a constructive manner.

Passive aggressiveness

Instead of saying what we really mean, we hint, we drop comments, we hope the other person will “get it.” But what it really creates is confusion and distance. People are going to distance themselves from you if they feel like you're going to criticize them constantly, subtly. The issue with passive aggression is that it is hard for those around you to identify in the moment, and therefore hard to call out, despite the real, immediate sting of the comment.

The antidote:

Passive aggression stems from our discomfort with expressing displeasure and conflict. The antidote here is not immediate; rather, the recommendation is to seek mental health counseling to build communication skills and your self-esteem.

Jealousy & Envy

I don't want to immediately label a feeling as toxic because I don't want to discourage a person from feeling their feelings or thinking of their feelings as wrong; Instead, I want to focus on the unresolved issues these feelings reveal and, often times, the maladaptive behavior they direct us towards.

Low self-esteem and social comparison beget jealousy and envy. When we don't have objective measures of our self-worth, we rely on social constructs or compare ourselves to others. This is rooted in insecurity. And rather than resolving our insecurities, jealousy can lead to controlling behaviors to avoid deep-seated feelings.

The antidote:

Gratitude is a powerful intervention for envy because it centers us in our own journey, but, truthfully, jealousy and envy are best explored with a licensed therapist.

Gaslighting

This is a serious one. It's emotional manipulation that makes someone question their memory or perception. Sometimes it's as simple as saying, “I never said that,” just to avoid conflict. But over time, it erodes trust completely. Can I trust someone who always makes me feel like I can't trust myself?

The antidote:

Gaslighting requires therapy dives into attachment, conflict avoidance, power, and control.

If any of these resonate with you, consider seeking therapy that will improve the quality of your relationships. If you're not entirely convinced or feel ready, then I encourage you to listen to my podcast “Things I meant to say naked,” to learn more.